Mara's Torment
by hillstar
Summary: Mara Jade had one padawan learner in particular who drove her completely mad. A parody about Mara and Ben Solo, because The Force Awakens made me miss Mara so bad.
1. Chapter 1

Of all the force-sensitives they were training, there was one padawan learner in particular who drove Mara Jade completely crazy.

"Ben Solo," said Mara Jade, when she saw what her nephew was wearing for the morning meditation practices. "What in the name of the Force are you wearing?"

"This mask is a reflection of the deep woundedness within my soul," said Ben. "It is as dark on the outside as I am dark on the inside."

" _Oh Jawa Butts,"_ thought Mara.

"Someday, I'm going to be as powerful as Darth Vader," explained Ben. "I know everyone says he was bad, but I think he was just a misunderstood genius. I'm sure he must have had his reasons for blowing up mom's planet and trying to take over the galaxy."

"As powerful as _Vader?"_ Mara raised an eyebrow at the kid and wondered if it was too late to take back his lightsaber crystal. "Um, you do realize that he was essentially a glorified slave to the Emperor? And also that he was terrified of any form of human vulnerability as well as of anything that reminded him of the graininess of sand?"

"Oh, right Mara! You used to know Vader, didn't you? Luke told me you used be Palpatine's Hand. That's _so cool_. I wish that I could be part of the Dark Side too, but my parents are always on my back, trying to keep me from doing anything really awesome. They're so totally lame. I really wish I was an orphan, like you."

 _"Help me, oh Mighty Force,"_ Mara Jade silently implored as she pressed her fingers against her temples. _"I know it's 'do or do not, there is no try'...but with Ben Solo, I just can't."_


	2. Chapter 2

At the next day's dueling practice, Ben Solo showed off the modifications he had made on his lightsaber. The lightsaber had a hilt that allowed for two extra lightsaber beams, so that it was kind of like having three lightsabers at once.

"Hey, Mara, what do you think of my new lightsaber? Wouldn't Darth Vader think that it was cool?"

"Well," said Mara Jade, "since he had an actual background in mechanical engineering, I'm pretty sure Vader would have thought that was the stupidest thing he ever saw."

Ben scowled at her. "Well, my new best friend Snoke says that my lightsaber is really super awesome and that Darth Vader would have thought it was the coolest."

"Wait, wait, wait. Hold up." Mara Jade placed her hands on her hips and looked at the padawan learner cannily. "Who is this 'Snoke'?"

"He's my special friend. He says that someday, if I train really hard, I'm going to be as great as Darth Vader."

 _"Oh, Bantha muffins,"_ thought Mara Jade _._

"By 'special friend,'" she asked, "you wouldn't happen to mean, like, a Dark Master?"

"No, nothing like that, Mara. Snoke is more like a father to me. He's a far better father than Han Solo ever was."

Mara tried to be gentle as she gave some advice. "Listen, Ben. I know these dark siders can be very persuasive. Just be careful that this Snoke guy isn't using you."

"Whatever, Mara. As Darth Vader always said, 'You don't know the powwaaaa of the Dark Side!""

Mara placed her head in her hands, feeling a headache coming on.

 _"Okay, Force. Now, you're just testing me."_

* * *

Later on, when Leia and Han Solo arrived to pick up Ben Solo from Jedi school, Mara Jade tried to bring up Ben's behavior to his parents.

"Oh, that's just Ben going through a phase." said Leia. "You know how these teens can be."

"You mean, like lethal assassins or like dark force-users who slaughter all of their fellow Jedi?" said Mara Jade.

"Aw, now, Mara, don't you fret. Everything's good with Ben," said Han, "He's just experimenting with some of that old hokey space religion stuff."

It suddenly occurred to Mara that maybe Ben Solo's life goals weren't so unobtainable after all. Maybe Ben was just like Darth Vader. Maybe his whole family was like Vader. They were all completely insane.


	3. Chapter 3

At their next training session, Ben Solo was dressed head to toe in what looked to be a long, black dress with a little black cape over his shoulders.

Mara Jade almost spit out the water she had been drinking.

"Ben Solo. What happened to your normal Jedi clothes?"

"This is what I wear now. I need to look dark and menacing when I finish what my grandfather started."

"What your _grandfather_ started?" asked Mara, "Are you sure you're not thinking of your grandmother? Because right now you're kind of reminding me more of Natalie Portman, when she was in that movie about the little ballerina girl who was trying way too hard to convince everyone that she could play the Black Swan..."

"That was an excellent movie, Mara Jade!" said Ben Solo through the croaky voice changer of his mask.

"I didn't say it wasn't," said Mara. "I thought Mila Kunis was quite good in it as the dancer who actually had a life."

 _"Mila Kunis?!"_ thought Ben Solo, " _How dare she compare Mila Kunis to the incomparable Natalie Portman?!"_

* * *

"Again! Again!" said Supreme Leader Snoke as he watched Ben Solo practicing parrying and attacking with his lightsaber. "I need to see more from you!"

"I have been training all day and night, my Master," said Ben, "I am ready to embrace my inner darkness and truly become your apprentice."

"All of the training in the world won't help if you don't possess any true darkness within you," said Snoke. "Hm...maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe I should make Mara Jade into my apprentice."

"M-Mara Jade?!" said Ben Solo, his voice cracking with unchecked emotion.

"Yeah, Mara would probably make a great apprentice. She's so bitter, so sarcastic. She has actual experience with the dark side and a real tragic backstory. _She's_ not faking it!"

Ben Solo felt the force of jealous hatred blooming deep within his soul.

* * *

Mara Jade couldn't help but notice the unhinged expression on her padawan's face. Ben Solo had been practicing way too frequently and looked like he had lost a significant amount of weight and sleep.

"Hey, Ben, you've been practicing a lot lately. Maybe you should take a break with the other padawans."

"Ben Solo's gone, bitch. I'm Kylo Ren now!"

And with that, Kylo Ren took out his lightsaber and charged at Mara Jade.


	4. Chapter 4

With a swish of her blue lightsaber, Mara Jade parried against Kylo Ren's attack and drove him into a defensive stance.

"First of all," said Mara, "My name is not 'bitch.'"

"Second," Mara Jade brought her blade close to her opponent's chin. "Kylo Ren? That sounds like the online chatroom handle of a ten-year-old White kid trying to sound Asian!"

Kylo Ren swiped back. "It's my badass new Darksider name! You just can't handle it because it's so much darker and more menacing than Emperor's Hand! That's not even a name. That's just a possessive noun followed by a body part!"

Mara Jade swerved and ducked as Kylo tried to hit her with each of the three sides of his lightsaber. She flipped backwards with ease.

"Oh, wait… I get it," said Mara "sKYwalker...soLO... You named yourself after your uncle and dad! That 's actually kind of cute!"

"It...is... _not_... _cute_...!" Kylo Ren swung his lightsaber in a blind tantrum, unable to land a hit as his temper took over his sense of aim.

Kylo made his hand into a claw, resorting to using his mind-invading power to try to stop Mara by entering her mind.

Mara Jade rolled her eyes. Mara easily deflected Kylo's mind-invading powers and entered his mind instead.

 _"_ _Really Ben? You really think you'd be able invade my mind after I deprogrammed from Darth Sidious, the most mind-screwing master of manipulation the galaxy's ever seen?!"_

Suddenly, she was able to read his thoughts and she let out a low chuckle.

 _"You're afraid that Snoke is going to make me into his Apprentice? That's ridiculous. There's no way I would want to become some creepy Dark Master's apprentice again. I didn't even want to be Luke's apprentice!"_

"Get out of my head, Mara!" shouted Kylo Ren.

"Let's stop this," said Mara, depowering her light saber. She sighed and offered him her hand. "You clearly are in need of help and guidance, not an ass-kicking."

"But…but… but…" stammered Kylo Ren. "How am I ever going to have a tragic backstory if everyone keeps being nice to me?!"

* * *

"You were defeated…by Mara Jade?" asked Supreme Leader Snoke the next time that the leader read his apprentice's thoughts.

"Well, she didn't really beat me," said Kylo Ren. "She just got so scared that she surrendered and gave up on the fight."

"Don't lie to me, Kylo Ren! How can you hope to become as powerful as Vader if you can't even defeat Mara Jade?" said Supreme Leader Snoke. "Vader had two movie trilogies based on him. Mara Jade just has a series of novels that aren't even cannon any more."

"I don't know, my Master. She's just too strong. She's like this awesome female character who's equal parts mental toughness and technical skill."

"Well that's no excuse for you to lose."

"Don't worry my Master! It won't ever happen again!"


	5. Chapter 5

Mara Jade sat down on a rock in the woods outside of the Jedi Academy. She crossed her legs and closed her eyes, knowing that she really needed to mediate and to ask the Force for guidance.

" _Help me, oh great and powerful Force,"_ implored Mara silently, _"before I lose my mind and fall to the Dark Side. I'm trying to be a good Jedi Master, but my padawan is such an insufferable brat that he's driving me completely insane."_

Suddenly, Mara felt a warm presence in the Force. A gentle yet masterful voice spoke to her as the blue light of the Jedi ghost appeared.

"Mara…" said the soothing British voice, "It is I, Obi-Wan Kenobi."

"I know well your pain," spoke the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi, "Perhaps more than you even can realize. You must be patient with your young padawan and don't judge the boy too harshly. Look at me! I thought Anakin was a lost cause, forever fallen to the Dark Side, but then he ended up saving the galaxy!"

"Yeah, after he first nearly destroyed the galaxy by blowing up a ton of planets," said Mara.

"Ah," said Obi-Wan, "But from a certain point of view Anakin was a wonderful friend and great hero."

" _Uh huh,"_ thought Mara, " _And from a 'certain point of view,' I'm a Corellian sea slug."_

"Mara, I sense in you a great deal of snarky cynicism. You have the potential to teach the boy the meaning of forgiveness and compassion, but only if learn to view things from the right perspective. Maybe from your point of view, Kylo Ren is just a spoiled, bratty teenager who talks too much like a Darth Vader fanboy, but from my point of view, it seems like he's just a confused, lost youngling trying to find a role model who understands him."

"And that would be me? Exactly how would I be able to understand Kylo Ren?" asked Mara, her eyes narrowed skeptically.

"I would think that you of all people would know what's it's like to feel lost and abandoned, to be misunderstood among the rest of the Rebels, and to believe that your only source of self-esteem comes from trying to measure up against Darth Vader."

"Yeah, I guess," Mara conceded half-heartedly.

"And I really wouldn't be so harsh on him, seeing as I remember someone else trying _really_ really hard to kill Luke Skywalker."

"Okay, maybe I did do that," Mara Jade said.

"And doing so while running around dressed in a really impractical-looking leather dominatrix outfit and wearing those insane hair extensions..."

"Yeah, okay, okay, you made your point!" said Mara Jade, pressing her hands against the side of her head as if to block of the Force ghost's haunting admonitions.

"Do not fear Kylo Ren," said Obi Wan-Kenobi. "I know that you may be concerned that you will the meet the same end as so many mentors on the light side before you. But just remember, though he may strike you down, whenever there is a vacancy of Strong Female Character Badassery in the Force, another will rise, just as great!

With this last piece of advice, Obi-Wan's ghost shimmered blue and white as the spirit of the great Jedi disappeared into the ether.


End file.
